Excuse me while I have some fun. Put this column under “comic relief.”
Daniel Nussbaum of Breitbart Hollywood on November 8th ran a column I could not pass up making comments about, “16 Celebrities Who Will Leave the U.S. if Trump Wins.”
With Election Day polls opening up across the country on Tuesday, some of Hollywood’s most progressive celebrities have got their bags packed just in case Republican Donald Trump prevails over Democrat Hillary Clinton. [which he certainly did, rubbing Hillary’s lying face in the mud].
And the winners and whiners are:
1. Barbra Streisand
I can’t believe it. I’m either coming to your country if you’ll let me in, or Canada,” the singer told 60 Minutes in an interview in August [sic, either/or gaffe]. Streisand has been a vocal supporter of Clinton’s candidacy, and appeared at a high-profile fundraiser for the candidate in New York City earlier this year.
Not that the appearances did Clinton any good. The Clinton campaign must have paid her plenty. And if it did, did Babs donate the fee to the Clinton Global Initiative? Donald Trump did not need to book high-profile “stars” during his campaign. Getting to see stars other than Trump was not why his massively attended rallies drew hall-filling crowds. They came to hear real “hope and change” expressed by a non-establishment outsider.
2. Bryan Cranston
“I would definitely move. It’s not real to me that that would happen. I hope to God it won’t,” Cranston said in October of the possibility of a Trump victory. The Breaking Bad star suggested he would take a permanent vacation to Vancouver.
The question is: Will all these Hollywood leavers also surrender their U.S. citizenship? A rather doubt there’s any substance to their anti-Trump breast-beating.
3. Miley Cyrus
The young pop star said she would “move out da country” if Trump, whom she called a “f*cking nightmare” were to win the election.
Well, what is she waiting for? There are daily flights to Canada from a variety of airports. Perhaps she’s waiting for the Canadian visa people to give her the green light. Or perhaps she’s received a note from Canadian Immigration authorities to the effect: “We’d rather import 10,000 un-assimilable Muslims than your porn-rock , sweetheart. That is, there are just so many venues in our country that would allow you to wiggle your naked butt and allow horny Muslim men here to fondle your snatch and pretend to boing you from behind while you allegedly ‘sing’.” Please be truthful: Is moving to Canada just an opportunity to moon America and Trump from a safe distance, or are you portraying yourself as a suffering “refugee”? Eh?
|Lady Gaga showing her inner Nazi, and not much else.|
4. Lena Dunham
The Girls star said there is a “100 percent chance” she will pick up and move to Canada if Trump prevails on Election Day.
“I love Canada. I think that it’s a great place, and there’s an area in Vancouver that I find beautiful and appealing, and I can conduct business from there,” the actress and Clinton surrogate said.
But, will Canada love you back? There’s a “100% chance,” because its Parliament just voted to ban freedom of speech, or will the dice roll against us? Canada’s “gain” will not be America’s loss, I can assure you. Will Vancouver make the city a no-Dunham-go area? Be true to your word, Lena; or are you planning to become a Canadian goose, and fly south during a cold Canadian winter? Will you take up Milo on his offer to pay your one-way fare?
5. Amy Schumer
The comedian and Trainwreck actress said Spain would be her destination of choice if Trump wins the presidency.
“My act will change because I will need to learn to speak Spanish,” Schumer said in an appearance on the BBC’s Newsnight in September. “Because I will move to Spain or somewhere. It’s beyond my comprehension if Trump won. It’s just too crazy.”
|Amy Schumer stamping her feet in Spain|
Sorry, Amy, but your comedy is beyond the comprehension of any sane person. No loss to the U.S. You probably won’t be much of a hit in Spain, either, so I think your act might change out of necessity. An alternative career for you might be to take up bull-fighting, or Flamenco, in which you could stamp your feet until your arches fell.
6. Jon Stewart
The former Daily Show funnyman may want to connect with billionaire space pioneer Elon Musk if Trump wins; he told People magazine last year that he would consider “getting in a rocket and going to another planet, because clearly this planet’s gone bonkers.”
There’s a lakeside bungalow available on one of the tributaries of Saturn’s methane-rich moon of Titan. Perhaps that’s where Stewart is heading. The mini-planet of cow-gas. For snarky, not-so-funny methane is just about all Stewart offered on The Daily Show.
The same goes for pop icon Cher, who wrote on Twitter that she would be moving to Jupiter if Trump wins. The “Believe” singer has appeared with Hillary Clinton at campaign events this year.
Another retread from an earlier century whose Clinton rally appearances just didn’t resonate with Clinton supporters who just didn’t know their popular music history. Their college professors didn’t want to “trigger” them. Cher’s era just wasn’t a “safe” enough space.
8. Chelsea Handler
The comedian and talk-show host said she had already made a contingency plan in the event of a Trump win.
“I did buy a house in another country just in case,” Handler said in an interview on ABC’s Live with Kelly and Michael in May. “So all these people that threaten to leave the country and then don’t — I actually will leave that country.”
Yeah? Let’s see photographic proof of a Canadian immigration official actually handing you your temporary residence visa, with a warning from Carl the Speech Walker, “No bad or prohibited jokes, or you spend a night in the box,” guarded by Mounties. I have never heard of Handler before, and have not audited her performances. Call me clueless about Chelsea, except for the Clinton one.
9. Samuel L. Jackson
The veteran actor accused Trump of running a “hate”-filled campaign in an interview with the Hollywood Reporter.
“If that motherf*cker becomes president, I’m moving my black ass to South Africa,” he later told Jimmy Kimmel.
Jackson is apparently still feeling his thuggish macho from Pulp Fiction. He certainly had better fashion sense in the movie. His suit here looks like an off-the-rack from Goodwill. Well, Samuel, I guess you’ll be making the acquaintance of all those racist powers in the ANC. Maybe you can get along with them. You can sing along with them as they chant “Kill the Boer.” Provided you can learn a primitive language.
10. Whoopi Goldberg
The comedian and The View co-host has repeatedly trashed Trump on the ABC daytime talk show.
“Listen, he can be whatever party he wants to be,” she said during an episode in January. “What he can’t be is he can’t be the guy that says it’s your fault stuff isn’t working. That’s not the president I want. Find a way to make stuff work.”
“Maybe it’s time for me to move, you know. I can afford to go,” she added.
But she never parodied Obama when he said “You didn’t make that.” Well, the winner of the Beat Best By An Ugly Stick Award just may fit into whatever country she decides to relocate to. Perhaps there’s a leper colony she’s overlooking.
11. Neve Campbell
The Scream and House of Cards actress said she would move back to her native Canada if Trump wins the election.
“They see someone off the cuff and broad, and they think ‘ok, that’s the voice we need, just someone honest,'” Campbell told the Huffington Post of the motivation behind the Republican candidate’s support. “But his honesty is terrifying.”
I can’t say much about Nervy Neve. I can’t remember her from a single movie or TV special. I don’t even remember her from House of Cards or Mad Men. I watch lots of TV and movies but her face just doesn’t ring a bell. Hers is just not a face that stops one cold because it’s so unforgettable. Which it isn’t. Plenty of acting credits: but who? Perhaps her residuals will pay for her Canadian rent, or taxes.
12. Keegan-Michael Key
The Key and Peele star also said he’d flee north to Canada in the event of a Trump presidency.
“It’s like, 10 minutes from Detroit,” the comedian told TMZ in January. “That’s where I’m from; my mom lives there. It’d make her happy too.”
Is it ten minutes from Canada or ten minutes from Detroit. You’re from where? English please. Go home and make your mother happy. Will you be living in her basement, like a good college student afraid of the real world?
13. George Lopez
“If he wins, he won’t have to worry about immigration. We’ll all go back,” the Latino comedian and TV star told TMZ shortly after Trump announced his candidacy in 2015.
Fine, George, and I know you’ll give parting thanks to the country that made your wealth and well-being possible for so long. So, please, “go back” to the stagnant, third-rate culture you came from. Perhaps you can hook up with a drug cartel.
The R&B singer said he’d be moving to Canada “straight away” if Trump wins.
“Me and Drake gonna be neighbors if Donald Trump becomes president,” the singer told TMZ in October.
Me paleface don’t dig you to the max. Me prefer listen to Rachmaninoff and some white dude playing real music. Me scratch head over weird name. Is like Ovaltine? Neutrogena? Yo-yo?
15. Rev. Al Sharpton
The civil rights activist told attendees at a Center for American Progress event in February that he would be looking for flight reservations if Clinton did not triumph on Election Day.
“I’m also reserving my ticket to get out of here if he wins. Only because he’d probably have me deported anyhow,” Sharpton said.
Al is a “civil rights activist”? He always impressed me as a noisy, loud-mouthed bigot whose blather got a lot of people killed. A perpetual exploiter and promoter of victim-card gamesters. Hope he can book a reservation with all his ill-gotten gains. Can probably buy his own plane.
The former View co-host and Disney Channel star is probably already on a flight out. During a February episode of the talk show, the actress said she would move to Canada “if any Republican gets nominated.”
Well, a Republican was nominated and elected. Is she on her way? Probably not. Is there a Canadian version of The View across the border? In Mexico? Or in Venezuela? Bolivia? The Mariana Islands? The Antarctic? But I’m guessing she’s really staying put.
17. Hillary Rodham Clinton
Oh. Never mind. She wasn’t on Nussbaum’s list. She’s not going anywhere. Except to house arrest in Chappaqua. The Secret Service will probably be detailed to make sure she doesn’t wander. That’s if a mug shot isn’t taken of her before being sent to a minimum security “facility.” See? No matter what crime she’s committed, the taxpayer will wind up supporting her.
What difference does it make?